It’s been Months

It’s been a few months and nothing has changed, still childless, still can’t get pregnant.

I read an article the other day about how the birth rates in the U.S are the lowest it’s ever been, and it didn’t surprise. people are waiting to have children or they can’t have children and IVF is expensive. Only a hand full of states pay for IVF, and it’s annoying because relocating is hard and finding a job is hard so while relocating to a state that pays for it sounds like a good idea, it’s expensive.

My mother’s birthday is coming up and I have a lot of guilt stuck inside of me from her passing. She passed away suddenly, I thought we would have more time, that I could travel in one last time, but I wasn’t able to. She passed in 2019 before all this COVID shit. The only thing I’m thankful about in her passing is that she didn’t die alone, she had my brother, sister and dad there with her. If it was just a few months later I’m afraid she would have been alone.

I feel guilty because it had been months since I had seen her. The ended up traveling in to see family the same time she was visiting her mother, I could have tried hard to see her, I could have called her more and I could have told her about our issues of not having children. I’m just glad I got to say I love you one last time.

Holiday aren’t the same, no one wants to host it so even if there wasn’t a pandemic last year we wouldn’t have traveled to see my family. We sent gifts, and faced time. I try to talk to my dad more often but he isn’t a talker. He responds with one word answers and he hates talking on the phone.

Anyway, if I keep typing I’m going to end up crying and my husband will ask what’s wrong. So thank you for reading this random rant.

It’s been a While

I don’t know where to start, not a lot has happened since I last posted, but it’s been a few months since our last embryo transfer failed.

We haven’t continued fertility treatment; we cat afford it. We can’t even afford just to retrieve and freeze my eggs for the future. It broke us, we can’t even take out a loan to buy a house, because of the fertility loan we have.

I’m actually taking birth control to name my periods regular and so we have a piece of mind. My husband and I decided that we couldn’t take my period being inconsistent and thinking that we ‘accidentally’ got pregnant, my period is actually just 15 days late.

It’s still heartbreaking to know that I’ll probably never get to experience pregnancy, and I feel like a failure because the embryo didn’t implant. I feel defective, and I feel like I’m failing in the wife department, too; even though I know my husband doesn’t blame me he says it our problem, not his, not mine but ours.

When you have embryos that successfully fertilize and made it to day six and then didn’t implant, it’s hard to think it’s not your fault.

I still find myself getting angry or annoyed, and pregnancy announcements from family and friends, and I always talk as if we will have kids one day because it’s still painful. I don’t want to admit to other people we can’t have children; I would rather have them believe we aren’t ready for them; I don’t want them to give us advice about what they think we are doing wrong I don’t want them talking about it at all.

Grieving What Will Never Be

It’s been two days since we were told to it last embryo transfer didn’t take and I just feel myself getting more angry and upset.

I’m upset because I’ll probably never experience the joy of being a child that looks like me or my husband home from the hospital. I’m upset because I’ll probably never get shower my siblings in baby picture of their newest niece or nephew.

We can adopt and we will probably go down that route but right now I’m upset because I won’t have the experience of bringing a child into this world. I know it sound petty and some of you are probably rolling your eyes and I don’t care, this is the way I feel right now and for me it’s not wrong.

A family friend gave birth last week and everything time she post a picture of her child with some cute saying I’m reminded how my body couldn’t do what it was expected to do. That this holiday season is another holiday of wishing we had children to play with their cousins, that this year is the year that not only hav COVID-19 but it’s the year we had to come to terms of not having a biological child.

I know it’s not the end of the world but it’s not easy to your shattered heart that, especially when you put every piece of hope you had into something that failed.

Final Attempt was a Failure

We got news today that my beta was negative. Our last embryo did not take. We find ourselves grieving once again, angry at the world that we are yet to experience being a parent.

I’m angry, hurt, sad, and most importantly I feel like it’s my fault. The sperm fertilized the egg, the egg thawed successfully but it didn’t implant into MY uterus. It’ll take four years to pay off the fertility loan that we took out. Fours before we can try again, or four years before we can afford to adopt.

I feel like it’s unfair watching everyone else have children and getting to share that joy with their family and friends. I feel defective, I feel like I’m cheating my husband out something he wants, even though we both have fertility issues, I feel like it’s my fault because the embryo didn’t implant.

They don’t prepare you for the emotional roller coaster you go on. We thought at least one would take be neither did even though it was only embryo I feel like I’m grieving for a child that I lost.

Second Embryo Transfer

We had the second and last embryo transfer. This experience was so much better. The ultrasound seemed clearer; I got to see the air bubbles go in; it made me excited. Everything about this cycle seems different from the first, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign. Deep down I feel like it took, but we have to wait close to two weeks before we have the Beta done.

I’m nervous and excited, and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m currently at five days after my embryo transfer and so don’t feel any different. I have headaches and cramps but that can be fro the medication. This waiting period is killing me.

Even though I don’t feel any different I’m still positive. I’m hoping this was the one, that this was the boss baby. Keep your finger crossed that we finally get to become parents.

Starting again

Since I had caught Covid, I needed to have a negative test in order to start our second frozen embryo transfer. Well I got my test results earlier this week and it was negative so now I get to go to the fertility clinic early in the morning tomorrow to start the process.

I’ll have an ultrasound and blood work and if that all looks good then I’ll start the medication. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping that this round is successful. It’s our last embryo.

The first round was heartbreaking; it crushed us, but we have had a few months to collect ourselves. I’m going to try and be optimistic and just hope that we will be parents to be soon.

COVID Update

I’ve been in isolation sine Tuesday since that’s when my test came back positive, but I’ve been sick since last Sunday.

Isolation has been boring, but so far, it has worked keeping my husband healthy. However, during this time it makes me realize even more how lucky I am to have the husband that I have. Like clockwork he has breakfast, lunch and dinner ready for me. Brings me snacks and anything else I need. He’ll even sit on the other side of the hallway while I eat and talk to him so I won’t have to be completely alone. To be honest I couldn’t have been quarantined with someone better. He has been a rock star.

I am feeling better. My symptoms stayed in the cold and flu area of symptoms and now, after a week I feel like I have a sinus infection and cold so over all I’ve been lucky. I’m still in self isolation until the 1st.

Just my luck

So, we had every intention to move forward with out second and the last embryo next week when my new cycle started. However, it apparently was not meant to be. Sunday night J had what I thought was a bad allergy day. Well, on Monday, I felt worse and so I made an appointment and got test for COVID. It came back positive.

Now I’m sitting in our guest room isolated from my husband and it’s so weird. My symptoms are mild right now. Headache, nasal drainage, cough, and shortness of breath when Ibmove around too much. I occasionally get chills and body aches but right now thats about it.

The guest room is also my office so I’m going to have one hell of a time turning my work mind off and going to sleep at night. It’s only been one day and I’m already lonely.

This is all I have for now. Hopefully my symptoms stay mild and I’ll be good as new in a week.

Just a Random Update

As I stated before we took this cycle off from IVF, we have one embryo left and we wanted to mentally prepare ourselves, however I think it’s just made it worse.

I’m so angry all the time about not being able to get pregnant to have a family with my husband. I can’t watch pregnancy announcements or read them with being angry or crying.

We can still adopt but that will be years down the road, we have literally out every bit of extra money we had into IVF. We were so hopeful and thought we would get pregnant right away, but shame on us, it didn’t work and I’m convinced the this second round won’t work either. I’m to the point of giving up on having children.

I’m just so angry, I want to scream, I want to blame someone, I want to have an outlet for my anger, but the truth is, it’s no-one fault, and the makes it worse. There is nothing we can do but to take our last chance and if it doesn’t work I think it will break me.

This may seem dramatic but I can feel the anger building up in me day after day. I can feel hate piling up in towards those that can have children, I feel resentment towards my sisters who were able to have children and now they are enjoying being grandparents (there’s a huge age gap between me and sister). I don’t want to feel like this anymore. It’s not anyones fault that we can’t have children and other people can; we’ve kept this a secret for years and I think not having an outlet is taking it’s toll. I want to be at peace with whatever happens but I don’t know how to get there.

Here is where we stand

My husband and I decided to take a cycle off. We needed a breather, it’s been such a roller coast of emotions, and we aren’t sure we can handle another failure this close to the first one.

I’m not going to lie; I’ve become a bitter person. I’m super jealous of friends and family members who are pregnant. I want o straight up say ’fuck you’ and ignore them their entire pregnancy, but I don’t because I still love them and it’s not their fault that we can’t have children.

We thought IVF was the answer, so when the first transfer failed, we were shattered. It broke us a way we never thought we could be broken and we aren’t ready to feel that again just yet.

I also feel like it’s all my fault, everything was done for us, and my body just didn’t get the memo. I also feel like if I wasn’t at the current weight that I am at then maybe it would have worked. I’m 5’5” and weigh 215 hopefully over the next however long I can drop some of that weight. We have until January to do the second transfer before we have to pay again so maybe that’s what we should do.