It’s hard

It’s been a little over three months since my mother passed away and it’s still hard. I find myself thinking about her and wanting to cry but I feel like I should be done with the crying. I usually hold it in and end up silently crying at night because I don’t want my husband to know that I’m still having a hard time.

I feel guilty. She died suddenly. I didn’t get to see her but I did get to take to her the day before she died. I replay all the things I feel guilty for when it comes to her and it’s breaking me. I don’t know how to get over it. I’m starting to think I need to see someone to sort out my feelings.

Sorry that this is such a short update.

Choices

Sorry for not updating in a while. Things haven’t been going the way we wanted it to.

Our last IUI cycle didn’t take and the doctor told us that we should move on to other means of having children so we have been looking into IVF and adoption.

We have talked to one adoption agency and through them it would cost at least 30 thousand which we can’t afford. IVF is going to be 15 thousand. We are trying to talk to another agency but it’s like pulling teeth to get answers.

Even though we are looking at our options we are leaning more towards IVF. We already started the necessary blood test for it. We were told that we have a 70% chance to conceive through IVF and a 90 percent of we use a donor egg. My AMH levels came back good so I’ll produce enough eggs, I’m just afraid my egg quality will be bad once they are retrieved.

The whole process is overwhelming and I’m nervous about it all. Who knew having a child would be so difficult?

The Waiting Game

The waiting is what kills me. I hate not knowing. I just want it to work and be done with it. I also feel like not being able to conceive has made me a bad person. I was so bitter at my coworker for getting pregnant only to be told a few days later she miscarried. I try to be sympathetic but I feel like I’ve turned that off.

What happened was horrible and I wish no one had to go through that just like no one has to go through infertility.

I’m looking at a future with no kids while all my co workers have multiple kids and I’m bitter about it. I’m bitter at the fact that my siblings has kids without trying. I’m bitter that my own niece has three and they were all unplanned.

I’ve been feeling more down about this. I’m still grieving the loss of my mother and I don’t think I can handle another pregnancy test especially since this is our last IUI cycle before we have to stop to try and find money for IVF.

I look at my husband and I thank God that we have known each other for fifteen years and married almost five of them because I think it helps dealing with the fact that we may never have children but we’ll always have each other.

I just hope in a week the test is positive.

It’s been a while.

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve updated. We had our third IUI procedure this week and were told that if this doesn’t work then we should move forward with IVF but I’d have to lose weight.

Being told to lose weight kind of hurt my feelings. I’m not skinny, I know that, I also know I could stand to lose weight. I’ve gained sixty pounds in five years but it still hurt.

Other than this I find myself missing my mother and thinking of her. The night before thanksgiving I had a dream and the dream was of her talking and saying how guilty she felt for leaving us, especially when things were in order. It was also about some guilt that I had. I felt like I didn’t call her enough or didn’t tell her I loved her enough but in my dream she let me know that it was ok. I work up sobbing. I know Christmas is going to be hard without her.

I know my posts are never that long but over never been a long writer so I apologize but I thank you guys for reading.

Moving Forward

These past twos have flown by yet they’ve been so slow. I miss my mother terribly and with her passing so close to the holidays it’s hard to be in the holiday spirit. She loved Thanksgiving and Christmas because family always go together and I know it’s going to be hard for all of us.

We are also starting up a new cycle of IUI. We took last cycle off so I start the medicine again tomorrow. This period has been so bad. The amount of bleeding is so unreal and the cramps are so much worse. I’m hoping it’s a reset and it works. I think it would be something we can all look forward to after the month that we have had.

Other than the upcoming IUI and dealing with the passing of my mother life has been uneventful. My husband is probably thankful, he’s been very supportive and caring and I’m so glad that he has been there for me.

I also told my family that we were needing fertility treatments. My father didn’t say anything and my sisters and brother were not nosey they let me say my peace and that was that. It’s a relief to know that they will not be asking about kids any time soon.

Worst week ever!

So in my last post I wrote about my mom being diagnosed with cancer. She passed away a week ago. She was diagnosed and then three days later she died.

It’s completely unfair, and it’s so hard to deal with. I just keeping about how I can’t just pick up the phone and talk to her, how I wasn’t there when she died. The crazy thing is that I got to speak to her the night before she died and she held a conversation with me. She told me to take care of myself and that she loved me. I believe that was her saying good bye.

When I talked to the nurse the morning she died she said mom was doing bad and then gave me a lecture how I should be there. I told my brother that she wasn’t doing well and he left work and went to the hospital with my dad. I booked the next flight home and four hours lasted just as my flight was boarding my brother called telling me she died. It was the worst thing I ever experienced. My heart broke and I don’t think I can put it back together.

My brother was the strong one, the youngest out of the four of us is the one that made all the calls. My heart broke again after he told me how he witnessed my dad. My dad apparently tried to shake my mom awake.

I am constantly thinking about her, and how it happens so fast and how I hope she knew that’d she was lived by everyone. During her memorial service the place was almost packed which made me happy. My mother reached people. People cared about her. I was meeting some of the people for the first time that day. They told us how wonderful she was and how much she made them feel loved.

She was a great person who tried to please everyone and this word is a little bit darker because she is gone.

Shitty weekend

Shitty isn’t even a strong enough word for this weekend.

My mother has been sick and in the hospital since Monday. We didn’t think anything of it because she has kidney issues and usually needs a round of ice antibiotics and she good. Well yesterday we were told that she has Cancer. Cancer that is spreading quickly.

She won’t survive surgery so they can’t remove the cancer the cancer she has doesn’t respond well to radiation so chemo is her only option and they said chemo won’t help her, that it may only prolong her life and they could only hope that the tumor will shrink but it’s already in other places so shrinking one tumor won’t help.

I’m in my 30s and I’m still terrified of losing my parents and the fact that I probably will lose my mother in the near future is eating me a live. I live 12 hours away so it kills me that I can’t be there. My brother has taken on the responsibilities to help my dad and to make sure my mother has what she needs while she is in the hospital.

All I can think about is how when we have kids she won’t be around to get to know them. There is so much more things that she can experience and it’s going to end too soon and I don’t think I can handle that on top of everything else. I want my mother around to help me through all this.